A Fracture

I don't know if it is me being dumb, my body being numb, or just outright my heart see through my tooth clenched lies.

Such a news should have been very positive and I personally be a supporter for the event AT THE FRONT SEAT. I mean, given that considering the fact she acts like an elder sister (and I act like the bratty yet witty younger brother), it should have been easy. Emphasis on the word should, cause it is not. 

For the record, we have no blood relation at all. It's just that she made it clear of how she views me like I am a little brother to her after our almost one year of silence "war" (quotation intended) which was initiated from my end due to some past mishap. I also try to equalize this view by trying (and sometimes failing, like right now) to view her only as elder sister.

For reasons I cannot fathom (or actually can, but just outright deny), the whole news instead send me a spiral of depressive episode for the last two nights as of this writing. I try my best to control it, but even after one hour or so initial resistance on the first episode, I broke. Yeah, last night was a lot of pain chew for me. Glad I didn't get into a self-harm state. Tonight also ended with a somewhat better fare, yet still painful from time to time.

It's okay, I. Will. Get. Over. It. 

The problem is, simply put, has been and always been mine. You cannot be friends, even worse, pretend to be close-related to someone you fall in love with. It creates a lot of fracture on multiple levels, from the seen to the unseen.

Speaking directly on the matter should have been my go to that night. However, with a very big emphasis on that seven letter, I cannot do that. The whole news just struck me like a thunderbolt. Only thing I can say is that I support the suggestion of other people she has consulted prior to talking to me.

Now, normally, that in my moral view, not honest view, the suggestions from others are sound. I emphasis on the part that she views me as akin to a younger brother, while I ideally views her as an elder sister.

Speaking of elder sister, I never have elder brother or elder sister as I am the firstborn. My elder cousins are not pretty close with me, like at all (I am quite distant myself, so my fault). It is like something crossed off the list when knowing she views me as a younger brother (having an elder figure that are not too gap aged). Me and my young brother are quite on somewhat confrontative edge from time to time, so having an elder sister figure seems to be a good thing to have during these confrontations.

Alright. Simply put, the problem with the news are two-fold. If the news lead to another and ends up where I believe it would, then pretty much I lost a person I fall in love and an elder sister figure. In theory, I should still have the latter. But, can one ascertain at least that? Nope.

However, if I can chill myself enough and get this brain to stop this whole fall in love issue, it will help tremendously to at least consolidate my stances. She can get her happiness if the line works as hoped. As a bratty young brother, I should be happy of such fortunate events for her, am I not?

Another reason I am against intervention is that I have a forewarning of how easy this kind of news shift things that comes implicitly on my last visit to one of the person she talks prior to talking to me. This is the very reason I decided to not push against. I am respecting his words from that time he lectured me and my ex-classmates that I decide to punish myself over my incapability.

After all, the one who bears the weight must face the harshest of the pain. Since I bear the weight of knowledge, I must endure the pain for not act on the knowledge.

I can find my happiness elsewhere, or suffer trying. In the end, as long as it fold in a way that she can be happy with (which I pray this initial news will pan out positively for her, even at my expense), I don't care what pain it inflicts upon me. If the push comes to the stove, I can always withdraw myself from her life. I have done that once, I can do it again. This time, it needs to be without a way to look back.

At the very least, on the bright side, when it works well I can just write a novel and slap the cheeky title "Love from Social Media Post of a Card". Okay, not pretty creative, but I can figure it out if it pans out well for her (which I hope it does. It is going to be a very big banger of a news, even potential for a huge social media boost).

Does that mean I need to be closely tied to the events? Nah. Nu uh. Nope. (I'll break if I do) I just need confirmation that my end point is reached to believe the sensibility of this novel story (slap that "Based on Real Story" for free campaign bonus). At that stage, I can just write stuff I want, even put myself as antagonist for the novel drama if I must.

Extra point on the end novel where I can ask her to provide me the original Instagram post and me showing the original card photo which proof my connection to the story.

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